Ketosis wins again.

I’ve been zerocarb for about two days now and my mood has already lifted. I had the energy to attend all of my classes and my motivation returned. I’ve been dabbling with ketosis on and off for about 6 years now, but it seems that my body really prefers it. I’m not surprised, considering my families history of diabetes, but I think after all the meds and stuff I was on, my insulin resistance is even worse.

When James came back into the picture, I had convinced myself that my physiological reactions were in my head. Well, part of it was him telling me this. Keep in mind that I have bipolar disorder and he has schizophrenia. I was trying to “will” myself out of my glucose intolerance.

I have a very poor short term memory. In some ways this is good, because I have to repeat things and store it in long term memory which means I need to know it better, but this is in general a reflection of inflammation.

I’ve already developed arthritis and have had it for years: another indicator of systemic inflammation. It’s become increasingly worse, as I couldn’t even get a ring I used to wear on my finger because my joints are swollen.

I retain water very easily now as well. I say all of this to say that ketosis in general is good, but for someone who Burns, I need to stay away from foods that burn so easily (carbs). It’s just not a clean energy source and the residuals from the oxidation is terrible.

I don’t miss James. Some of this is because, I managed to develop feelings for someone else which isn’t surprising. I wonder if I did that to get over my feelings for James or if it was something that was going to happen intrinsically.

I felt some sort of sexual tension but maybe it was my own. That’s one benefit of being with James for the time that I was, is that I was able to get some sort of sexual feeling back. I consider it one of many things that are resolving with this depression going into remission. I am doing my best not to go manic at all, and stability is ultimately something I will achieve.

Some part of me hates the fact that I want another person in my life, but all the time where I was isolated and psychotic, it made me realize that, for me, isolation lends itself to neuroses. I’ll be happy when the swelling goes down. All of it. And I won’t need to take prednisone and antibiotics anymore.

James coming into my life for the two months that he did reminded me of a few things: I can’t leave mathematics, even if I want to. I want a serious relationship and am ready to settle down. I hate not having discipline. Short-term gratification almost never feels good. And when my body shuts down, it’s really a manifestation of my poor impulse control.

That’s one of the hardest things about studying mathematics, is that when you have to buckle down and learn definitions of things, that’s really it. It may not be an exciting concept, it may not be anything shiny, but it’s not necessarily about that. It’s not really about that at all. When you learn a language, it’s because you are using it to communicate an idea about something. I don’t study math because it’s fun, I study math because I have something I want to communicate precisely.

I think 4 weeks into keto and my mind will be clear again. On top of all of the weed I have to get out of my system. I was happiest when I wasn’t smoking and was studying all the time. And I have so many people I can talk to about math here.

Today Max signed the paper to be my preliminary adviser. I told Liz about it and she was over-joyed with the progress I’m making. In some ways I want to make Liz proud. I want to make anyone proud who believes in me. Liz really helped me and I’m going to miss her.

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