Most of my fantasies in graduate school revolve around finding someone to study with, and under. I blame television programs.

Around the time I was applying for graduate school, I was in an open marriage. Meaning: I had a husband and a boyfriend. I didn’t appreciate my husband entirely. I did, but at the same time I didn’t. What I mean is that I didn’t appreciate the stability I had.

The whole “until it’s gone” thing. But I wasn’t happy with him. That’s part of the joke isn’t it? I don’t think I’ll ever *be* happy. Happiness should not be an end-goal because it’s fleeting, cyclic. I was stable with him. And that was more important than my happiness, and fuck it, I was happy anyway, just unsatisfied in the relationship romantically. But again, romance… am I dreaming?

My husband and I divorced so I could marry my boyfriend so that he could live with me in the US. We had a trial run my first quarter of school… bad fucking idea, lemme tell you. I was incredibly distracted, among other things. It ended up revealing how ultimately incompatible we were.

(1.5 years later, I told him to kill himself. 1.5 months ago he reached out to me.)

I had this interest in white guys with long hair for years. I blame rock bands.

Around the time I was applying for undergrad, I had just ended my most serious relationship. Meaning: He broke up with me. I didn’t appreciate my boyfriend. I did, but at the same time I didn’t. What I mean is that I cheated on him. Twice. He says it was three times.

The whole “grass is greener” thing. I was incredibly happy with him. Or at least high off of the oxytocin from all the fucking. We fucked a lot. We related a lot too, being on the outside looking in. And then of course, music.

My boyfriend and I broke up and he got married so he could live with his girlfriend in Germany. We were on-and-off for some months after we broke up… bad fucking idea. It ended up revealing how ultimately sex-driven we were.

(9.5 years later, we got back together. 1.5 months ago he reached for the meth pipe.)

Most of my fantasies in graduate school revolve around finding someone to study with, and under.

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