As a teen/young-adult, I thought I was insecure for not wanting my boyfriends to watch porn.

“Porn is natural” people say. “Everyone watches porn, don’t be jealous.” But in my mind, I always attributed porn to cheating on the person you’re with. I couldn’t formulate why I felt that way, and eventually just internalized it as me being insecure and that I need to change my mindset. More of the backwards conditioning of our society.

Porn is another depop tool. Another way of breaking up the nuclear family and de-establishing emotional bonds to real people. Another way of keeping your mind trapped in this Matrix.

When I was young, around the time I had my first psychotic break (so 3 or 4) was the first time I found porn on television by accident. It was lesbian porn, and that shaped my sexuality to some extent and rewired some of my sexual programming.

From then on, I became lesbian-leaning sexually promiscuous, wanting to emulate what I saw on the television. I would have barbie dolls hump each other at preschool, I would “play house” with the other girls at school, and up until the age of 16, I thought I was a lesbian.

What I experienced, was some form of sexual abuse, but I didn’t realize it at the time. And this of course begs the question, is homosexuality a choice? Is it natural?

My attraction to women was programmed into me. And I don’t feel romantic attraction to women, only strong lustful attraction, the type of attraction you have to pornography. It’s completely animalistic and raw. Not like anything that would be the foundation of love, as I know I cannot be in a loving relationship with a woman in that capacity.

Anyway, beyond my own sexual history, I knew porn was bad on some level and that it was warping the minds of the men I grew up with. I would become paranoid in my relationships, always imagining that my boyfriends were watching porn behind my back or when I wasn’t around or didn’t want to have sex with them.

I was with someone who had somewhat of a porn/hentai addiction, and any time I would hear him masturbate, or knew that he masturbated and I wasn’t around, I would get furiously angry. Like… even thinking about it now just infuriates me, because I hate what porn does to your mind and ultimately what it does to society. It’s not natural. It’s a hypersexual perversion of connection. It’s warped.

Then I stumbled upon this thread on Reddit.

Which reinforces what I knew deep down. Porn recalibrates your brain and detaches you from people. I hate what sex has become in this society. It’s no longer a sacred magic ritual, or a physical manifestation of emotional intimacy, or even a means to procreation. It’s just… filth.

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