Reanimation

The one cool thing about death (and that’s death of anything) is the ability to reanimate it, bring it back to life.

The one cool thing about psychosis (or rejecting consensus reality) is the ability to identify fantasy with everyday events.

I’ve been compared to John Nash on more than one occasion – of course we have our bouts of schizophrenia but our interest in Economics and Analytic Geometry also intersect, and I find Nash Equilibrium on n-variables to be interesting from a dating perspective: win/win conditions.

By the end of A Beautiful Mind, the viewer realizes that Nash’s best friend was a figment of his imagination, based on someone he knew in real life who in some ways was dead to him.

The one thing I hate about breakups, is that most people have an inability to truly reconcile and reconnect what was lost. So here I am, a few weeks after a breakup and I really miss talking to my friend.

So what do I do? Well, fantasy and reality are no different for a dreamer. So I just imagine that he’s here and I talk to him like he’s here and simply pretend he’s around. Whatever we had before, I can easily project onto reality and even more so I can improve upon the relationship, because my imagination is often-times better than the real thing.

This isn’t a product of psychosis in and of itself, no. Romantic love – being the mental disease that it is – is a type of psychological projection, and people see what they want to see all the time when they’re in love.

I don’t really condone falling in love, because it’s not sustainable and the intoxication makes you stupid. Being blind to someone’s faults is not a good thing, that’s why I reveal my faults upfront, so that you see reality clearly.

But here I am missing him. And I have the impulse, desire to just message him, or e-mail him when I think of something or when I’m in a good mood. But alas, I cannot, because we’re “broken up” and that means there is a level of distance that needs to be preserved. Isometries…

Our friendship was rather intimate, admittedly. I would share the innermost, embarrassing thoughts I had, recklessly even because I felt that while he is an incredibly judgmental person, my not giving a fuck about his judgment somehow was intriguing to him.

Well when you’ve seen as much of the world as I have, you really stop giving much care to what other people think. The only problem here is that what other people think still matters. I lost my relationship because of what other people think. So now I Have to think about… Other People.

Agh, I just want to talk to him and see him again everyday. I fucking miss that. And that was beyond romance. It was having a friend.

But friendships are like assholes. Or I happen to be friends with assholes.

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