My mom called me and said she was proud of me.

And that she couldn’t imagine what I’ve been through, but that she’s proud and that she knows it’s hard with my mental and physical health, but that I keep going.

She said she’s happy that I haven’t killed myself, despite going down those thought patterns.

The way that she said it. It was like… I felt understood by my mom for the first time. And maybe she always could understand me, but she was able to articulate it in a way that hit me, in a way that made me remember why I’m doing all of this.

I’m going to make sure no one has to suffer in my family. I’m going to keep going. I’ll never stop.

December 1, 2019

What have I learned in 29 years?

1. Life is a Perception of Your Own Reality
2. The Difference Between Medicine and Poison is in the Dosage
3. God Lives Through
4. Ignorance is Bliss
5. Dumb it Down
6. Find a Topic
7. …

What have I learned in 29 years?

That no matter how nihilistic I may feel, no matter how depressed or alone, that I ultimately love life and everything about it. The people I meet are beautiful, and everyday is a walking dream.

I was afraid that life was a dream. I was afraid of being a dreamer. But life is a dream, and I’m lucid.

I love my life and all of the people I’ve met so far, and all of the people I will meet. The damages and scars I will heal, the past I will rewrite and the future I will forge.

I used to be bothered by the fact that I couldn’t and can’t remember everything. That I’m not omniscient. And I thought my goal in life was to become so, that omniscience was part of nirvana, or the ultimate enlightenment.

What have I learned in 29 years?

That we can communicate far beyond words. That words are approximations of feelings and that feelings ultimately dictate me. I can’t function without considering my emotions. I’m not a robot. I’m not logical. I don’t think in absolutes.

The same water I was afraid of touching, the water that I thought I would drown in, I embrace.

What have I learned in 29 years?

That the word ‘learn’ is never past tense.

I’m not wise. I will never be wise.

Technologic

I only keep my phone around because I want to keep him around. In some part of my mind, it makes me think he’s closer to me. I think this is probably why people become addicted to technology when their mind makes the association with another person. And because I’m looking for the reward of his message, something indicating that he’s there, I turn to my phone. And next thing I know, I’m looking for the hit anywhere, so I turn to social media (YouTube) because in my mind, one notification is as good as another, as long as I’m locked into that fantasy that he’s always connected to me.

This is why I don’t like long distance relationships. Or smart phones, to be honest. And I’m thinking I should just sell mine. I don’t want to have a smartphone anymore. There’s nothing entirely ‘smart’ about it. Or maybe the smart thing is that the phone zaps all the smartness from you. Either way, having it with me, always looking at it, constantly watching people on YouTube. It’s just a reminder that I want human connection. It’s not that I innately value YouTube. And I should have gotten rid of my phone when I had the chance. I only kept it for the camera, so I should continue to use it as that, I guess. This is why having a phone be an all-in-one is actually a shit idea. I need a camera and an alarm. That’s about it. And a way to call people. I don’t need anything else that a smartphone provides, and want to do away with it. I’m just sick of always looking for stimulation. I’m tired of being controlled by my impulses. By not being able to settle down and work. That my ability to hyper-focus is gone somewhere. I feel like my discipline wanes.